The Life Chasing Game

Why is that whenever you look for (try to get) something, it goes away? It happens in relationships (apparently very often) but also in every event of life. Having realized that, I had stated that I was just not looking for anything anymore, neither was I deciding what to do nor planning. My thinking behind it was that if you decide, you then chose one way or another, left or right, but if you don’t, you will always stay in the middle. It’s a matter of acceptance, confidence and trust. Once I had realized that there was nothing that could happen to me if I did not get a visa, if I did not qualify for a master, if I lost my job, if I had to leave a country and even if I lost whom I love, I came to a moment of brightness in front of my eyes in which I saw my worries and could only laugh. I was being afraid of something I didn’t know, something that could come and could be better than all.
Then I realized that while I was thinking (for months, after overcoming a painful incident) that this empty sensation I felt time to time was due to the lack of something (after all, emptiness means that something “is” missing), what it really was, was the incorporation of another feeling that I didn’t have record of previously in my life: “fear”.

In any case, talking to Thieu, in one of our multiple “mix-of-topics-and-subjects-that-return-to-the-same-starting-point-to-diverge-into-many-more” conversations, we talked about this life chasing game. The understanding came refreshing. People who look for something; who try so badly to get something and cling into things, are people who think they don’t deserve those things; and that’s why they try to get those things with despair, because (thinking) knowing they don’t deserve it, makes them so afraid they won’t get it or if they have it, so afraid they will lose it. And that is why chasing doesn’t work. People who chase things have sabotaged themselves. They have hijacked their brains unconsciously and think they don’t really deserve what they are trying to get.